Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Name Inanimate Objects

Chihuahua Edie sitting on recliner Old Mama with blankets Candy Cane and LaRue

Well, doesn't everyone? I mean, if you have more than one of something, such as blankets, doesn't it make sense to name them rather than having to waste a lot of time with descriptions?

Example: Me (shivering on the couch) to one of my offspring, "While you're upstairs would you please get me a blanket? I want the soft, white one I keep on the end of my bed."

Ten minutes later offspring says, "Here you go, Mom."

Me (after a brief pause to curl my lip in disgust), "No, not the little white one with the fringe. That's only for decoration. Get me the big one. It's soft and plush feeling like a teddy bear."

Offspring, looking blank, "I have no idea which blanket you mean."

Me, "Your sister gave it to me for Christmas last year."

Offspring, acting all too casual for someone whose mother is in the throes of hypothermia, "Which sister?"

Me, lips turning blue and now unable to curl successfully, "Does it matter? Fetch me the stinking blanket before I freeze, okay? It's on the end of my bed and it's big and white and plush."

Offspring, rolling eyes so far heavenward they nearly become dislocated, "OMG, will you chill?"

Me, teeth chattering, "I AM chilled and I want my blanket now, you little sadist."

Personally, I find that kind of exchange annoying and a waste of effort. How much simpler it is to simply give names to your possessions.

Example: Me, wearing a pleasant smile, "While you're upstairs will you please get Ned off the end of my bed and bring him to me."

Offspring, looking at me with fondness, "Ah, soft, fluffy Ned. He's one of your favorites, isn't he? Consider it done, Mother."

Now isn't that better?  

So if you happen to be in my neighborhood drop by for a cup of coffee brewed in Mrs. Nell. Join me at one of my computers--Lester, Delta, or Riker, your choice. Sit in my recliner, Old Mama, under one of my blankets. I have many, but may I suggest Candy Cane, Bucky, Scottie, or LaRue? If you want to enjoy some music I have a selection of iPods for your listening pleasure. Just let me know whether you prefer Thor, Sheldon, Leonard, or Archer. 

Of course I've named our cars. They are Darken Ess Red and Greenie.

My life is now simplified. Why don't you try naming stuff and see for yourself? Your family wouldn't go for it, you insist? I say, drop the defeatist attitude. 

Hey, if I could train my crew, then consider yourself the family whisperer.


  1. You crack me you know I HAVE to name the things in our house, too, right? Very cute! Thanks for sharing!!!

  2. My family would think I have finally cracked. Evidently, you started training yours early on. Frankly, it took me two minths to think of a name for the cat. We still call him The Cat.

  3. Linda, I truly believe inanimates behave better when named. They deserve respect too. Everything I have has a name. First you have to come to grips with the sex of the inanimate. They hate when you give them girly names.

  4. I admit I haven't named blankets and chairs and other inanimate things, unless you count my son. But I loved you post. I'm calling it Dorothy.

  5. Linda - this is great! I've never considered naming objects, but now I see how much easier life can be. Much better than "the thingamajig next to the whatsahoosit." :-) Great post - you had me laughing and I needed that!

  6. Barbara,
    You're correct about getting the sex right. And the respect thing, too, that's major. My wallet, Harry, was with me for 21 years. When he finally fell apart, I thanked him for years of great service, wrapped him in a paper towel, put him in a small brown bag, and then gently placed him in the trash bin. But only because Bob refused to dig a hole in the back yard.

  7. Helen,
    Dorothy? Good one--I like it.

  8. Thanks, everyone for your comments. Now I have to put on my heavy jacket--Buff--and force the Chihuahuas out in the cold for a potty break.