Thursday, December 2, 2010
I Name Inanimate Objects
Chihuahua Edie sitting on recliner Old Mama with blankets Candy Cane and LaRue
Well, doesn't everyone? I mean, if you have more than one of something, such as blankets, doesn't it make sense to name them rather than having to waste a lot of time with descriptions?
Example: Me (shivering on the couch) to one of my offspring, "While you're upstairs would you please get me a blanket? I want the soft, white one I keep on the end of my bed."
Ten minutes later offspring says, "Here you go, Mom."
Me (after a brief pause to curl my lip in disgust), "No, not the little white one with the fringe. That's only for decoration. Get me the big one. It's soft and plush feeling like a teddy bear."
Offspring, looking blank, "I have no idea which blanket you mean."
Me, "Your sister gave it to me for Christmas last year."
Offspring, acting all too casual for someone whose mother is in the throes of hypothermia, "Which sister?"
Me, lips turning blue and now unable to curl successfully, "Does it matter? Fetch me the stinking blanket before I freeze, okay? It's on the end of my bed and it's big and white and plush."
Offspring, rolling eyes so far heavenward they nearly become dislocated, "OMG, will you chill?"
Me, teeth chattering, "I AM chilled and I want my blanket now, you little sadist."
Personally, I find that kind of exchange annoying and a waste of effort. How much simpler it is to simply give names to your possessions.
Example: Me, wearing a pleasant smile, "While you're upstairs will you please get Ned off the end of my bed and bring him to me."
Offspring, looking at me with fondness, "Ah, soft, fluffy Ned. He's one of your favorites, isn't he? Consider it done, Mother."
Now isn't that better?
So if you happen to be in my neighborhood drop by for a cup of coffee brewed in Mrs. Nell. Join me at one of my computers--Lester, Delta, or Riker, your choice. Sit in my recliner, Old Mama, under one of my blankets. I have many, but may I suggest Candy Cane, Bucky, Scottie, or LaRue? If you want to enjoy some music I have a selection of iPods for your listening pleasure. Just let me know whether you prefer Thor, Sheldon, Leonard, or Archer.
Of course I've named our cars. They are Darken Ess Red and Greenie.
My life is now simplified. Why don't you try naming stuff and see for yourself? Your family wouldn't go for it, you insist? I say, drop the defeatist attitude.
Hey, if I could train my crew, then consider yourself the family whisperer.